first posting

I have finally stopped trying to sleep all day through Christmas. I feel safe to participate in live events again.

Christmas has always been a difficult holiday for me since becoming an adult. Even the allure of watching my Children excited each year is lost to me. As a 46-year-old woman living in poverty level, this time of year seems to make me take stock of all the things I have not done to progress this year.

I suffer from major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder depending on which psychiatrist’s diagnosis I go by. Thankfully, as a Veteran of the US Navy, I get treatment and medication.

December 2, 2013 I received a phone call that shook my weak mental foundation until it fully collapsed into a sinkhole never to be built upon again.

Dramatic? Yes. But to survive myself, I have to get this out.

My 42-year-old sibling was found hanging to death in a storage shed behind his rental home by his room mate.

According to his long time friend, room mate and martial arts sensei, my brother was last seen drinking beer in the yard enjoying a fire.

His friend said goodnight and gone to bed.

The following day, and a day after that, when Kyle wasn’t home, his friend assumed my handsome younger brother had gone off with a lady friend as Kyle sometimes did. Seriously, my brother was ridiculously good looking and girls lost their minds around him.

The sensei was unaware of his roommate’s demise until he walked into their storage shed and found his corpse. I was told there was no doubt Kyle had departed his well-built shell.

That’s enough trauma to send a normal person into bad places. Yet to a clinically depressed person it is magnified by infinity.

I stopped caring about everything. I quit my job of 7 years. I lost my home, I jumped into methamphetamine usage and suffered abuse from people who had long ago lost any remorse they might have had for the things I let them do to me.

Luckily I had a safe place to run to when I got scared enough. I would like to think I have enough self preservation instincts to survive my own self destruction. However, it is a fine line I walk daily.

The funny thing is most people who know the surface me think I’m seriously and obnoxiously positive. I am happiest reaching out to others and making them feel happier, more confident.

I hope this first post helps someone feel like they are not alone. I will try to post helpful resources to help others survive, then thrive.


4 thoughts on “first posting

  1. As I struggled to make peace with my own demons over the years, I suffered a similar lack of support due to the stoic face I showed the world. I’m sad to read about your brother’s loss but so happy you found life and hope again in a relatively short period of time. Great range of emotions for a short piece of writing. Well done, shipmate!

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