Still figuring things out on WordPress

I hope I can continue to build a satisfying blog experience for y’all. By reaching out beyond myself I find my day always looks brighter.

My preteen daughter complained to me one afternoon she was feeling “fat,” she wasn’t developing fast enough – other girls in gym locker room made fun, and she felt “ugly.”

She was acting like me. Scary thought.

She was finding reasons to feel unhappy and feeding the beast of despair so it would grow.

I stopped and thought of wise and reassuring words to help this beautiful child get through junior high. This kid needed faith that she was beautiful and one day would have the girl parts she craves. She would also conquer body dysmorphia we girls live with daily.

Pretty certain that I wouldn’t cheer her up telling this 65 pound 12-year-old girl, “look at my boobs! When you are last to get them they still stand long after the early developers’ blessings drop!”

That NEVER works, haha. Sigh.

This is what I said,

“I used to stare at my mirror picking my appearance apart and loathing every feature. ‘Why or why did I not look exactly like ( insert beautiful model or actress here)?’ “

I went on to say that I learned to eat healthier, get active, get clean, get dressed, maybe do a little make-up and neat hair, the GET AWAY FROM THE MIRROR. As far as I know our mirrors don’t have the airbrush feature and we certainly can’t afford a makeup team.

She rolled her eyes, that action saying I absolutely am not getting what she’s saying. (Sighing again as this is fairly routine, “Duh!”)

I shook it off and reminded her: by looking outside yourself, helping someone else even in a small way, you forget your insecurities for a while. 

What is more beautiful that a compassionate person who cares about her fellow classmates, family, old lady who needs a steady hand when she’s wobbly, (ok, yes that’s me…chuckle)

Time will tell if this advice will do what I want it to. At 46 I am comfortable with my appearance, thus the dysmorphia doesn’t hurt me anymore. 

Look outside yourself today – universal message for men, women, and in between – nothing makes you happier than a brief moment of exchanged compassion.

Peace.

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first posting

I have finally stopped trying to sleep all day through Christmas. I feel safe to participate in live events again.

Christmas has always been a difficult holiday for me since becoming an adult. Even the allure of watching my Children excited each year is lost to me. As a 46-year-old woman living in poverty level, this time of year seems to make me take stock of all the things I have not done to progress this year.

I suffer from major depressive disorder and bipolar disorder depending on which psychiatrist’s diagnosis I go by. Thankfully, as a Veteran of the US Navy, I get treatment and medication.

December 2, 2013 I received a phone call that shook my weak mental foundation until it fully collapsed into a sinkhole never to be built upon again.

Dramatic? Yes. But to survive myself, I have to get this out.

My 42-year-old sibling was found hanging to death in a storage shed behind his rental home by his room mate.

According to his long time friend, room mate and martial arts sensei, my brother was last seen drinking beer in the yard enjoying a fire.

His friend said goodnight and gone to bed.

The following day, and a day after that, when Kyle wasn’t home, his friend assumed my handsome younger brother had gone off with a lady friend as Kyle sometimes did. Seriously, my brother was ridiculously good looking and girls lost their minds around him.

The sensei was unaware of his roommate’s demise until he walked into their storage shed and found his corpse. I was told there was no doubt Kyle had departed his well-built shell.

That’s enough trauma to send a normal person into bad places. Yet to a clinically depressed person it is magnified by infinity.

I stopped caring about everything. I quit my job of 7 years. I lost my home, I jumped into methamphetamine usage and suffered abuse from people who had long ago lost any remorse they might have had for the things I let them do to me.

Luckily I had a safe place to run to when I got scared enough. I would like to think I have enough self preservation instincts to survive my own self destruction. However, it is a fine line I walk daily.

The funny thing is most people who know the surface me think I’m seriously and obnoxiously positive. I am happiest reaching out to others and making them feel happier, more confident.

I hope this first post helps someone feel like they are not alone. I will try to post helpful resources to help others survive, then thrive.